Traveling with a five year old, no matter the distance is always dramatic. Traveling with a five year old plus a 60 year old grandmother with severe rheumatoid arthritis AND an ornery, cantankerous-yet extraorinarily healthy 80 year old GREAT grandmother is always traumatic.

This past spring Gillian, my mother and grandmother and I were trekking up and over to Columbus, OH for my aunt's birthday. My family has been making regular visits to The Buckeye State for almost as long as I could remember. At a mere 150 miles away, Columbus should be a quick 3 hour trip. But before PaPaw, my grandfather, had gotten sick and passed away, he and Nan Nan (my grandmother) could stretch out the drive to make it more like a 5-6 hour half-day excursion. Unfortunately, there is no direct interstate highway connection to Columbus from Huntington, WV and for much of the trip old state routes and backroads are taken. These roads are riddled with my grandparents own personal Meccas: THRIFT STORES.

There are probably thrity or forty Goodwills, Salvation Army stores and good ol' fashioned "Second-handed Stores" along the way. Nan Nan and Pappers used to stop AT EVERY ONE. Being an antiques freak AND a cheapskate by nature (what can I say? It's in my genes) I was quite happy to shop along with them back in my younger, care-and child-free days. But my grandfather has since passed away. My arthritic mom is physically incapable of dragging out the trip any longer than necessary. And while Gillian is a seasoned traveller, she does get antsy in the car. That means, much to Nan Nan's dismay, that we make ONE stop, half-way there for a super-quick potty/coffee break at a McDonalds (my grandparents shared an unholy fear of Rest Stops and my Nanners still avoids them at all costs).

At this particular stop, we decided to grab lunch on the go. While I was gnoshing on my Cheeseburger Happy Meal and creeping thru one of the many 35mph speed traps, I grabbed my bucket of sweet tea for a quick, cool sip. It was stiflingly hot in the car because Nanners cannot tolerate air conditioning as it gives her a headache and makes her cough. Well, the tea cooled me off all right. The cheap styrofoam cup collapsed and cracked all the way apart. Instantly, my crotch, legs and thighs were drenched with the entire contents of my $1 large sweet tea, ice cubes and all. My immediate reaction was to look down and scream!! I lifted my sizezble posterior off of the car seat in reaction, but this proved to be an ill-fated move as the ice and liquid made their way between my legs, thru my undies and onto the seat I had to sit in for ANOTHER hour and a healf.

Because it was a quick 2.5 day trip and I was trying to pack light, I had planned to wear my jeans all weekend and did not pack an extra pair of pants. Besides, where would I go to change? It looked as if I had peed A GALLON on myself!!! I couldn't walk into a place of business looking like that! I spotted a closed-for-the-season Christmas Emporium and stopped in the parking lot. Lucky for me, the lot was also home to a string of storage units. I pulled up as close as I could to the units, positioning the car so that once open, the car door and storage building would make a nice shelter for my semi-nakedness. Mom hobbled out of the car and ransacked my overnight bag for some pajama bottoms as they were the only alternative. She was gonna get some fresh undies but I didn't want to be full frontally exposed on the side of the road, even for a spit second.
I was effectively blocked from any roadside specators as I crouched behind the open car door. Looking skyward as I shimmied out of my wet britches, I happened to notice a security camera perched directly over my head on the roof of the units. Of course. It was probably capturing every minute of this escapade. I thought for a brief second that it was a fake to deterr any would-be robbers, but it moved and made a noise, soooo I guess it was real. So much for modesty! I made a note to search You Tube later for a video feed of my panties-and-cellutlite clad self. Then came the dilemma of what to do about the very wet driver's seat. We spied a Dollar General Store across the street where we could buy a towel or two, and in the meantime, the seat was covered in trashbags ( my dad always keeps spare trash bags in the trunk-I don't wanna know why).

Thirty minutes later, Mom and Nan Nan emerged with bags full of not only towels but candy, chips and drinks. YAY!! Snacks! My burger was also a casualty of the ice tea fiasco. I only got one bite before I dropped it and screamed at my ice-cold crotch. But I wasn't about to open another drink in the car during the trip. Well, I wasn't allowed to. My mom may be sick, but when she aims those claws at you, you cringe! She snatched a pop bottle outta my hands and pointedly put it bag in the yellow and black shopping bag. *Sigh*

We were off again, me with dry pants and, thanks to surprisingly absorbent cheap towels, a dry seat. A few minutes later, Nan Nan sighed and muttered at the window, "I don't know why we cain't stop at one-o-them stores (thrift store). It ain't like we're in a hurry 'er nuthin."
Well, maybe SHE wasn't in a hurry but I was eager to get to Aunt Gwen's so I could wash my jeans, and look for my roadside fanny on the internet!