Ugly Laughing: The Prequel

Once upon a time I went to a wedding. It wasn't a fairy tale wedding, far from it. More a bridal scene from a bad Soap Opera. But that is a WHOLE 'nuther story as they say.

Brian and I drove with Nan Nan, my maternal grandmother, to Ohio (Columbus, to be exact) just for the nuptuals of my cousin and his*gulp* fiance. We got lost twice and accidentally took the long way from WV to Ohio (considering WV and OH share a border and a river, that's pretty sad). So a 3 hour trip took almost 5, not to mention I had already driven 4 hours that day to drop Gillian off to her dad. By the time we arrived (late) at the rehearsal dinner, I was worn-out, cranky and had a tummy ache from eating lunch too fast in the car.

The bride's family had rented out a small banquet room in a quaint Italian restaurant. The food was great but the tension in the room was overwhelming. There had been a family feud involving the bride and almost every member of our extended family for some time now. So add all of that animosity to my already bad mood and I was on the verge of a breakdown.

As I was scrambling to keep it all together, my sister aimed her camera at Brian and me. I automatically leaned in and fake smiled. As soon as the digital picture popped up on the screen, Holly started laughing and snorting. I knew I looked pretty heinous, being all tired 'n everything but it couldn't be THAT funny. Holly showed me the camera and even with my dead eyes I thought it was an okay pic. Brian had his arm around me and we looked all snuggly, if not a little tired. Then I saw it. RIGHT BEHIND us, just off to the side, was my Nan Nan's floating head. My silly granny must have stuck her head in the shot at the last minute. Her pale Mary Kay powedered face caught most of the camera flash in the dimly-lit room. Brian and I were flesh tone. Nanner's skin was sheet white, her face twisted in a crazy, ghoulish smile, hands splayed on either side of her head. She looked like a poltergiest.
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To say that I was entertained by the picture would be an understatement of epic proportions. I had barely been keeping myself in check anyway. And this wacky pic sent me right over that proverbial edge. I burst into hysterical laughter. Within minutes, I was laughing so hard, my lungs ached and my tummy was hurting even more. The mascara I had so tenuously applied in the car (to save time) just moments before our arrival was running in clumpy, black rivers down my face.

Before I could stop myself, it was happening.

I was ugly laughing. This had to be the WORST CASE of Ugly Laughing the world had ever seen. I had been trying to dab off the unruly eye make up AS I WAS LAUGHING (thereby producing more pesky tears) because as hard as I tried I could NOT stop. But the dabbing was making it worse. And the mascara was so fresh, instead of running all over my face in easy-to-wipe-off, scattered pieces, the stuff was turning into toxic sludge. The Almay Mascara for Sensitive Eyes turns out to be not so gentle when it is being dissolved directly into your eyeballs. It burns like an evil beeeotch!!
The tears of laughter were coming so fast. The more I wiped the worse I looked.

My reflection in Holly's Tiffany & Co. compact was horrifying. My face was simltaneously purple and splotchy pale with lovely black low-lights streaming from my eye sockets. I was still laughing hysterically when I got up to wash my face in the restoom. A concerned stranger put her hand on my back and asked if I was okay. All I could do was nod and try to breathe. I hiccuped and gasped. I flailed my hands in front of my face. "I'm-*gasp, snort, hysterical sob of laughter*I'm f-f-fine." I stammered. I didn't want the kind stranger worrying about me. I wanted her to know that I wasn't upset,despite the scary tears and magenta face. "Laughing-*hiccup, awkward snorty laugh-sob*-I'm laughing!!"
I'm not sure what the lady's response was. I know she hustled her kid outta there pretty fast, tho!

I was splashing my face with cold water and I even washed my EYES with the foaming hand soap, just to clean off SOME of the mascara that I had inadvertently rubbed into my skin, in my eyes and on my clothing.
I went back out to the 'party' and took my seat. I instructed my sister and my grandmother not to even LOOK in my direction, as it may set me off again.

Surprisingly, I managed to stay slightly composed for the rest of the evening. Although I had an even worse than before belly ache and I was literally sore all over from my Ugly Laughing 'sode.

Holly has the picture she snapped of the three of us: Me, Brian and the Ghost of Nan Nans Present, hopefully I can find it and steal it from her to post along with this blog. THEN you'll get it!!

As for the actual wedding, as I mentioned before, it has it's own story. But I'll save that for another time.

Like, never.